Literally unbelievable secret GOP plan for NIH Sequestration

The GOP, guided by nationally-respected CEOs, has devised a 20-point plan (below) to turn NIH into a for-profit enterprise in reaction to Sequestration.

  1. $1,000 service fee per grant application.
  2. Destination fee: Applicant’s proposal is guaranteed to be assigned to requested study section. $5,000.
  3. Extra “baggage” fee to those whose previous grants were triaged to make those outcomes unviewable by reviewers of their new proposal: $1,000 per outcome
  4. Optional 30-min. video proposal rather than written grant proposal: $10,000.
  5. For-proifit NIH swag e-store on Commons website*. E.g. NIH sweatshirt $99.95. NIH mug, $27.95.
  6. First-class upgrade for “coach” grant proposals, lowers percentile score up to 3%, $10,000 per 1%.
  7. Third time’s the charm option: allows A2 revision. $25,000
  8. Blue state institutions get 10% less overhead.
  9. Late fee (late grant still accepted): $5,000 per day late, up to 5 days.
  10. Expediting fee: $5,000 to get review results within 1 month; otherwise now takes 6 months
  11. Bonus pubs charge: $1,700 for each additional pub listed on biosketch above 15.
  12. $10,000 bump fee: allows applicant to remove 1 study section member from reviewing their grant.
  13. New NIH VISA Card, 1% cash back, $1,000 annual fee, can be used for the new grant charges described here or at Subway.
  14. Typo forgiveness, $5,000. Screens grants for typos and common grammatical errors prior to study section.
  15. Even-odd grant review. Grants from zipcodes that are even numbers are reviewed one year and those with odd zipcodes are reviewed the next.
  16. Color figure fee: $1,000 per color figure in grant
  17. Page charge, $1,000 per page beyond 8 pages.
  18. Phone-a-friend at NIH program. $5,000 for 30 rollover minutes chat time & $10,000 for unlimited texts with PO.
  19. NIH Grant Tips Apps for iPhone and Android, free-ish, in game charges apply.
  20. Avoid open-access fee. To keep proposal confidential and keep it from going on the Internet, $10,000.

*note, we take PayPal or new NIH Visa card.